Negotiating
by JolinarJackson
Summary: Jack asked, "Don't you want to tell me why you're unhappy?" And Ianto answered without thinking, "Because this isn't what I want."


**Negotiating**

_Word Count: _~ 2.400

_Summary: _Jack asked, "Don't you want to tell me why you're unhappy?" And Ianto answered without thinking, "Because this isn't what I want."

_Characters: _Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _R

_Spoiler: Cyberwoman_

_Setting: _after _Greeks Bearing Gifts_

_Contains: _Discussion about asexuality, sexual situations

_Author's Note: _Written for queer_fest and the prompt _Torchwood, Ianto, He's afraid that the reason his emotional relationship with Jack isn't ideal is because he doesn't like sex nearly as much as Jack does._

_Beta: _larsinger29, as always there when I need her.And for the German version : pechfeder, thanks!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

Ianto had never told Jack that his first time with him had been the first time with a man. He didn't need to, really. His fumbling hands and nervous trembling had been a dead give-away for sure. Jack had never asked him if he'd ever done this before, but he'd been slow and sure and everything Ianto had needed him to be.

So Ianto had never explicitly told Jack that it had been his first time with a man, but it was something that he could admit to if asked.

What he could not admit to was that it had been his first time with anyone.

It was kharma, really, that he'd found sex was the easiest way to distract Jack from asking way too personal questions. Questions that could lead him to Ianto's hiding place in the basement and to Lisa. During that time, sex with Jack had been another obstacle in Ianto's way to happiness, something to overcome. There had always been something in Ianto's life he needed to get past to achieve some form of happiness. The happiest he'd ever been had been with Lisa – just as insecure as him in some things, just as passionate about having a family and a better life than on the estates they both came from and just as asexual. And they'd paid highly for the year of happiness, of sharing a flat and thinking about a wedding and a nursery in the room they used as a storage space at that time.

It had been risky, of course, to try and get to Jack Harkness by flirting. Ianto had outdone himself and he'd been so proud ... until Jack had pressed against him in the kitchen niche on his third day at Torchwood Three, suggesting he stay late. He hadn't pushed. Ianto knew he could have said "no". Jack was the kind of man who came on hard and dirty but respected a "no". Thing was, Ianto didn't dare utter it out of fear for Lisa. He also didn't dare utter it after Lisa was dead and Jack came to him in the middle of the night, looking so broken and grief-stricken and _sorry_. And the warmth of his body against Ianto's had felt good somehow because he'd been so cold. So he hadn't said a thing; he'd been sure it would end soon anyway. That Jack would lose interest, that Gwen would prove to be too big a distraction. But Jack had come back, several times a week during the suspension and after and somewhere along the line, Ianto realized that he was falling for him. After everything that had happened, after everything Ianto had done, Jack – once the first shock had worn off – still treated him with kindness and understanding and respect. He was funny and smart and _radiant_ and Ianto had always felt drawn to that kind of soul. Lisa had been one of them. He couldn't bear the thought of losing this in his life – yet again – and if he was pathetic for what he did to keep it, then he didn't care ...

But cannibals happened.

Jack changed, becoming needier in a way, visiting more often after hours or getting Ianto stay overnight in the Hub. And then there were the meds Owen was prescribing Ianto for the pain after the Brecon Beacons. They dulled the aches but also distracted him, made his thoughts stutter helplessly as if they were trying to gain foot on a slippery surface. They tripped and scattered and he got lost, so many times, thinking about things he didn't want to think about, like how lonely he still was, how much he missed someone who _really_ knew him, who loved him with more than his touches and the occasional whispered confessions in the afterglow.

The meds also made him vulnerable and Jack must have known that because one evening, just when his dinner dose of meds started to take effect and Jack had come up behind him at the sink, moulding himself to his back and watching him do the dishes, he said, "Don't you want to tell me why you're unhappy?"

And Ianto answered without thinking, "Because this isn't what I want."

xxx

Jack's hands stilled on his belly and then squeezed gently before slipping away. "Should have told me earlier."

He sounded sad, somehow, and Ianto turned around to him, an answer on his lips he didn't quite know himself. He faltered, though, at a loss, horrified at his own slip of the tongue.

Almost pleadingly, Jack stared at him. "I know I tend to get ... insistent, but I thought we were on the same page about this. About us."

"You didn't pressure me." It was the only thing Ianto knew for sure about all this.

Jack looked at him, seemed to be waiting for more, but Ianto couldn't find the words, the explanation. He was just tired … of everything. Jack nodded slowly, as if he understood without hearing the words, and ducked his head, hands on his hips. "I guess I should leave," he finally said.

Before Ianto could answer, he'd left the kitchen. Closing his eyes tightly, Ianto took a deep breath. The tiny kitchen seemed to close in on him without Jack there. It was a familiar feeling of loneliness that tried to envelop him. Ianto shook it off with a shudder and followed Jack quickly, staring at him while he shrugged into his coat. Ianto whispered, "I'm sorry."

Jack turned to him with raised eyebrows. "No need to be. It happens, doesn't it? Interest and passion die." He smoothed his coat and gave a smile that seemed helpless. Then he stepped closer and took Ianto's chin, kissing him gently on the lips. "It was great, though, Ianto Jones."

As soon as he turned away, Ianto hunched his shoulders, feeling loneliness and silence approach anew. The thought of spending the night alone, in a flat that was barely a home … Ianto saw Jack head for the door and before he knew what was coming out of his mouth, he said, "Don't leave." Jack turned around to him. Ianto took a deep breath, calling himself all kinds of pathetic in his head while he walked towards Jack and pressed up against him, letting his warmth seep through the thin shirt into his bones. He pushed his mouth against Jack's and his tongue parted Jack's lips. "Don't leave," he repeated between two breaths, feeling Jack's hands slide from his hips down to rub over his arse. Ianto forced a smile. "I want you to stay."

xxx

"You still haven't told me why you're so unhappy," Jack said later, stretching out on his back and pulling the duvet up over them.

Ianto turned his head to look at him – all sharp, handsome angles in the low light of his lamps – and answered, "I'm not unhappy." He wasn't right now, because Jack had warmed him up, had taken him apart and put him back together. Ianto had given him everything he'd wanted and was rewarded now by this – companionable, quiet warmth that didn't conquer his loneliness, but held it bay for now.

"You're not happy."

"Semantics."

Jack looked at him and slid closer, his fingers brushing down Ianto's cheek. "I like you."

"I noticed." Ianto quirked a smile.

"Why do I get the feeling that you don't like me just as much?"

The question surprised him. "I do," he replied quickly, earnestly.

"Are we having pity shags?"

Ianto was surprised by that question as well and didn't quite know what to say for a moment.

Jack didn't seem to need an answer because he continued, "Because I have some experience and aside from this being really great most of the time, it sometimes feels like you're just humouring me. And you said I didn't pressure you so …"

"Whoever would have pity shags with you?" Ianto asked. "You're the last person on this planet having to rely on those."

Jack slid closer and put his arms around Ianto, pulling him in. One hand buried in Ianto's hair, combing through it gently, while his nose brushed Ianto's cheek and his face was close enough that Ianto thought he could see the different nuances in his blue eyes. "Tell me the truth," Jack whispered. "You're hiding something. I want to know what it is."

"I don't want to tell you." Ianto tried to roll away but Jack had him enveloped in his arms and pinned to his chest – gentle but insistent.

"You don't have to, but think about it carefully. I won't push you to tell me, but I'll know. I'll know that something's wrong. I'll make decisions based on that."

Ianto frowned. "I see."

Jack nodded. "I'll make decisions based on what Tosh told me if you don't clarify what she heard."

"What did she hear?"

"Do rats in your stomach sound familiar?"

Ianto took a deep breath and tried to avoid Jack's eyes, but he was just so close. "Yes." Jack looked at him and Ianto finally did the only thing he could do – he closed his eyes. "I like you."

Jack made a sound, a gentle "hmm" that came out like a question.

"I just ... don't like sex all that much."

He felt Jack go very still and then the movements of his fingers in Ianto's hair resumed. "Define 'not all that much'."

Ianto opened his eyes. Jack was staring at him searchingly. Ianto took a deep breath and explained, "I'm asexual."

"So you don't like it at all."

"It's ... alright. With you."

Nervously, he looked at Jack ... who finally cracked a smile. "Uh ... thanks?"

Ianto chuckled despite himself, feeling a bit lighter now that he'd said it, no matter what the outcome.

Jack leaned in and kissed him on the lips. Then he looked at him for a long moment, before he asked softly, "Why did you sleep with me tonight?"

Ianto's smile faltered. He bit his lip. There was no point in lying anymore now, no point in sugar-coating it. "You wanted to."

"And …"

Ianto swallowed and put a hand on Jack's chest, right above his heart. "And I'm a mess that's unable to be alone at night."

Jack stared at him and Ianto swallowed, feeling vulnerable and scared and open, but also strangely safe, like he was standing over an abyss on a platform of glass. It was a familiar feeling around Jack. Jack tilted his head a bit and whispered, "Me, too." He brushed Ianto's hair out of his forehead. "You shouldn't have slept with me."

"I didn't want you to leave."

Jack made a thoughtful noise and released Ianto, turning away and getting up. "I'm capable of spending time with someone without having sex." He sounded sad or maybe hurt. Without seeing his face, it was hard to tell.

"I know," Ianto said. "I'm sorry. That came out wrong."

"_I'm_ sorry," Jack answered, pulling on his underwear, and turned around to him. "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have slept with you. I feel guilty now."

Ianto sat up. The bedroom felt chilled on his exposed skin and he missed Jack's warmth. "But why? It's not your fault."

"I caused you to break a commitment you made to yourself."

Ianto tried a joke. "Well, as I said, it wasn't that bad."

"This is nothing to joke about," Jack replied, buttoning his shirt. "I take things like that very seriously, Ianto. It would be one thing to be the first guy you ever slept with. _This_ is …" He shook his head. At a loss.

"I let you," Ianto said. Jack let out a breath and slumped on the edge of the mattress. Ianto slid closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder hesitantly. "Because I ... because I like you."

Jack turned his head but didn't look at him. "Ianto," he said. Nothing more.

"I didn't think you would stay if I told you. You tell so many stories about what you saw, what you did. You told me so many things while we were …" He faltered, embarrassed. So many dirty stories and Jack had recited them with a passion-roughened voice while undressing Ianto sometimes, watching him blush and react and admitting defeat.

Jack finished buttoning his shirt. "I would, you know. Stay." Ianto gave him a sceptical look and Jack got up, stepping into his trousers and snapping his braces into place.

"Why?" Ianto asked, wanting to know. _Needing_ to know why Captain Jack Harkness would spend the night with him.

"The same reason I stayed until now. The company." He gave a sad little smile. "I thought you'd know me that well at least."

Ianto shook his head, not answering. It would feel silly to apologize, somehow. It felt like he had apologized all night already. But then, while Jack shoved his feet into his boots, something akin to an apology slipped out anyway. "People don't get it." Jack looked at him sharply and Ianto swallowed. "They don't. There was no way I could know that you were any different, especially with the way you talk sometimes. I didn't want to lose you."

Jack huffed. "I lived asexual for two years. I had a girlfriend once who ... well, she wasn't human and her race, they didn't even tolerate flirting with others."

Ianto was surprised. "And you survived that?"

"I loved her," Jack said, completely earnest. He straightened and put his hands on his hips. "Sex is one thing, love is quite another. Sometimes they happen together, sometimes they don't." He picked up his coat and shrugged into it.

Ianto hesitated for a moment, then he asked, "What about us?"

Jack sighed deeply. "Too many uncertainties in my life at the moment, I can't be with anyone. Not earnestly. That's what you need to understand about me." With that, he headed for the bedroom door.

Ianto bit his lip and then said one word that made Jack freeze, "Stay." Jack turned around to him. "I want to try this properly, though," Ianto added. "Being myself. That's what _you_ need to understand about _me_."

Jack seemed to hesitate for the fraction of a second, but then he shrugged out of his coat and let it slide to the floor.

END

05/13


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